I would like to thank the provers who took part in this proving. This was my 6th proving and for the first time I had provers who almost from the beginning of the proving were unsure, afraid, worried and concerned. I aimed to get together 10 provers, which I normally find easy but the energies of this remedy started to come through even before I had commenced the proving and I was literally, met with a brick wall.
One previous prover contacted me and asked if I was doing anymore provings as he and his lodger were interested. I emailed back and told him the situation and he volunteered. Days before the proving was to start, he phoned and emailed and said he wouldn’t be able to continue as he had just commenced a detox.
I wasn’t prepared to talk someone into something they didn’t want to do and for once I hadn’t had a dose of the remedy myself, so I let him go and his lodger continued without him.
The path with this remedy was a rather lonely one and as it progressed I realised quite quickly that there was more to this than I had thought.
The sample of the remedy was given to me by someone who had travelled there on holiday and was at pains to ensure their involvement was not to be revealed.
I have already been cautioned by English Heritage for ‘removing’ samples (which I later returned) from
The Proving commenced on Monday 19th March 2007 with the provers commencing their journals.
At 9am on Tuesday 27th March the provers were asked to take one dose of the remedy. They were all given a numbered bottle, to match their prover number with small, sucrose tablets potentised to 6c with the remedy made from a sample from The Great Wall of China. Only 1 member of staff at Helios knew which bottle was the placebo.
Prover number 10 never wrote her diary/journal as she was too cross and bothered so her ‘words’ are from her supervised interviews.
The supervisors were also affected by the remedy and felt that the provers weren’t interested in communicating with them, so they in turn felt they couldn’t be bothered to chase them and found ‘other’ things to do when they should have been chasing the provers.
Prover number 10 felt her supervisor wasn’t interested in her and not ‘really listening’ to her. She found her ‘hard to communicate with’. She then made a strange comment.
‘It’s easier not to care’, as if the issue was about how much people cared, and she didn’t feel anyone cared about her feelings. So there was a tremendous amount of mixed messages and people getting the ‘wrong end of the stick’ and I felt powerless to ‘do’ anything about the situation that had arisen. All I knew was I had to keep in touch with ALL the provers and check they felt heard, at least by me……
Both Usha and Mabel are wonderful, caring people but this remedy brought out a side of them I had never seen before and I knew it was the ‘remedy talking’ not them.
When the proving commenced we received a letter from the council to say that the derelict/un-used old railway track near to our property was going to be converted into a cycle-way. When I checked the plans at the council offices, I discovered to my dismay, that they would be building an ‘access road’ right behind me house and next-doors, running behind most of the houses further down our road.
My partner immediately got ‘on the case’ and drew-up a letter/petition and we in a short space of time found out how to object to a council planning proposal and how to communicate with our local councillors. Then my partner went away on a training course and I was left to finish the petition, get as many signatures from my neighbours and present the petition to the council. The whole episode felt surreal. I also felt that the council were ‘invading’ our lovely quiet little space and had visions of cyclists disturbing our peace and causing no amount of disruption. Plus the plans included re-opening a railway tunnel that had been filled-in for 30 odd years and using it as an accessway to get in and out of town. The idea of the tunnel being opened and all the digging involved and the birds and badgers that had made their homes there set me onto another path of being ‘Ms Angry from Bath’ and I wizzed-off umpteen emails to animal charities and the council and generally got myself into an awful tizz about it all. Writing about it months later makes it seem almost farcical but at the time it seemed the end of the peaceful existence we had made here in the Hensley Healing Practice, Hensley Road……….
I then met and spoke to almost all my neighbours and heard their views about it all and they were angry and cross and fearful and upset……..the proving had barely started and I was surrounded by emotional people and a sense of the futility of ‘complaining’. I refused to take the whole issue lying down and I’m please to report the council dropped the idea of the access-way. I’ve yet to hear what will happen to the cycle-way and the tunnel idea……
- Male age 24
- Male declined 32
- Female age 34
- Male age 26
- Female age 49
- Male age 34
- Female age 62 declined. This number turned-out afterwards to be the placebo number.
- Female age 21
- Male age 20
- Female age 39
Before the proving
Day -1 Prover 3
Had a ‘sick’ headache this afternoon and have felt like I have vertigo or am a bit drunk. When I lay down, I felt that the room is spinning or the walls are tilting to the side. I hope this isn’t the remedy which arrived today! My hand feels spikey or prickly when I hold the remedy bottle.
Day 1. Prover 3
I was strangely reluctant to take the remedy; my hand felt prickly when I held the bottle. My head started spinning again. Throb behind my left temple. My mouth cavity (roof) feels like it’s getting bigger/higher/jaw dropping + loosening. I’m more hyper aware of sounds outside in particular. My head space is expanding too-my crown going up. Feel like I’ve woken up a bit, my awareness is heightened. My body’s internal spaces seem to be expanding/loosening/relaxing/growing like the way I feel when I meditate sometimes: stillness clarity. A ‘clean’ air clear feeling in my head + ears, like water inside my head/ears cleaning + washing away my headache. This feels like a meditation pill! My sinuses also feel cleared like they’ve been washed out through my ears! My ears are tingling/buzzing like I have got water in them from swimming. I feel ‘softer’ emotionally somehow as well.
Day 1 Prover 8
Been feeling quite nervous about taking the remedy but I bit bullet and did it. Had a lie-in with P so it wasn’t until later that I took it/about mid-day. I haven’t felt much effect from it.
Day 1 Prover 1
Remedy taken at . Since I wasn’t working today, I knew I wouldn’t be awake at . So set my alarm. Took one tiny pill as instructed. It’s like candy! Quite sweet. Sucked and chewed on it and returned to sleep.
I was in my room, here at home (watching a DVD) when a few Oriental guys came in with power tools to do some maintenance. Drilling holes in the wall or something. Then my landlord (this is still where I live- just my granddad wasn’t there-some landlord instead) bent over, reached back between his legs and plunged a dagger into my left knee cap right up to the hilt. Blood gushed out and there was a gash 3 inches long. He left the dagger in then stabbed some other knife into my right leg. Blood poured out in a similar length laceration. They wanted to keep me in the room and kill me. I somehow managed to escape these people and run downstairs. I scurried into the kitchen and drank two glasses of water-then ran out the door. My legs and shins were painted red by now. I remember feeing that I should die from profuse blood loss but that if I thought that I’d live, then I would.
A bit like a Nintendo game really. I was climbing and jumping and tree-swinging up a mountain with some friends. My best bud and my sister. I was ascending this mountain really fast, as if you could reach various levels by certain times, then you could ‘jump’ at a magical, hologrammesque heart and out of it would jump a super- power associated with an animal. I remember being annoyed that I missed one and wanting to get more super powers than J***! The only one I remember was a frog I think, which gave me invisibility.
Day 1 Prover 9
Take Homeopathic medicine. Very sweet aside from that normal.
Dreams of talking to people, someone said they’ve flown through Pluto. Dreams like shifting in and out of situations, conversations and landscapes.
Couldn’t sleep because housemates watching TV. Get up make toast, bed. An amazing dream. I am a genetically mutated cat the size of a person but a lot stronger and faster. I spend the first half of the dream trying to find P (P is my life and soul, I love her so much and could fill this book with poetry, pictures and songs with her as a Muse) P is also a cat person. We make love that shakes the room. The place slowly went from luscious hillside valley (with lots of fun things to jump on and climb) to a more industrial/government building. There were lots of people, at the beginning having a party. I go through the party to the place P and me were. I see many other cat people, they fight me. It is amazing, quick and powerful Kung Fu fighting, each cat has a special ability and all have self-destruct buttons. There are hundreds of police but all they can do it watch, a government woman says P is pregnant. I wake up. Back to bed.
Day 1 Prover 6
Dreamt my parents were still together and my sisters and I were all back home. Mom was fussing. I have a funny feeling I got the placebo first. I feel nothing different and it was awfully sweet. Maybe I should give it a bit more time. Still sleepy. I really wish I could get one night of continuous sleep. Whoa. Really light-headed. Or heavy-headed/light-mind. Felt like I was going to shift worlds or something. Feel it hitting my stomach. Subtle, but I feel it.
Day 1 Prover 4
Stitching feel (mild) below solar plexus and to my left. Pillule is very sweet. Have the distinct impression this remedy is made from psilocybin mushroom or some similar narcotic. Driving to work. Machine Head is on the CD player, it’s aggressive but I find myself singing along calmly following the melody rather than the passion of the music. Driving is slower too. Walking from the car to the office I feel smaller or my torso feels as it has shrunk. Don’t want to be at work, I want to be back in
Not liking the remedy
Day 7 prover 8
I really want to take the anti-dote when I get home-figure out how much of this confusion + helpless feeling is me + how much is it.
Day 24 prover 8
Well here I am. At home, on my own-most of my friends in
I really, really don’t want to be here any more. Not even sure where I want to be. Some of me (a lot of me) wants to throw everything I have here down and bugger off to join P. I’m just going to go to sleep + be blissfully unconscious for a few hours. I hate un-solvable situations- I’m so bad + leaving things alone without fretting and meddling. I haven’t been this wound up + fretful in ages. I miss my P.
Day 5 prover 3
The other thing I realised is that this proving feels like it’s been going on for ages.
Day 1 prover 4
I feel unfocused and unbalanced. I feel OK in myself but not myself at the same time- I don’t like it, this remedy sucks.
Not so woolly feeling today but still not right, bring on the sulphur!
Day 26 Prover 5
But I will be glad to stop this remedy. It has felt relentless. P says I am on edge all the time and have been cleaning constantly. I don’t think I have been cleaning any more than usual but I have been more stressed about it.
Here it is at last! Would love to know what the wretched stuff was. Glad it’s all over.
Being angry about things
Day 3 Prover 5
All morning I felt angry and I had a whopping headache. I had to go over to my house in Eastville because the removal men were coming and I didn’t want to. I wanted to have a relaxed day but I had a long list of things to do. Although I chatted to the removal men I was still angry and pissed off that I was sorting all this out myself. I felt that P’s depression was leaving me to get things done. All the way home I was furious. When I got back he hadn’t packed up the massage bed like I asked him to. He wasn’t there either, which was lucky because I would have shouted at him. By the time he turned up I had calmed down. He was chatty and friendly and I felt bad for being angry with him. After all his mother has just died and he is organising the family coming to stay for the funeral.
The journey back to
By the time I got back to
Day 27 Prover 1
Feeling angry and attacked from Grandad as he tells my Uncle how much of a life-pain I am. Next door are f****** gossips-talking about how hey saw me walking home at one night I mean, WTF?! Agh
Day 1 Prover 3
I confronted a woman who had brought her dog (stupid little poodle) into the park, where is clearly stated “No dogs”. She just kind of shrugged and said she was leaving anyway. I really get wound up by people’s rudeness and by their disrespect for the public space and for other people.
Went into town to pick my phone up that had been repaired (I’d dropped it down the toilet a week or so ago!) and got stressed + irritated with having to wait to be seen and again in the Post Office by having to wait for 20 minutes in the queue just to post a parcel. I could fee the blood + irritability rising to my head and ears.
I found myself getting intensely irritated at the playgroup, more so than usual. I find most of the women that go to be on a different planet to me-very middle class, with lots of money and very ‘
Day 2 Prover 4
Woken up by P at . Everyone woken up by C at . Alarm clock at . Have got the arse this morning.
P says we have another 2 weeks to go. I thought this was supposed to be a short proving. Not overly happy with the idea of filling up this f****** book for another 2 weeks
Some arsehole has changed the GUI without engaging their brains. It is now shit and wrong and doesn’t make sense. Anyone who thought it is usable has their head stuck up their arse. Customer coming today, fantastic!
Day 3 Prover 5
Had a strange dream in the early morning. I dreamt I was in a book shop and it was a place I went to everyday. When I went there I thought, I mustn’t keep coming here but it felt like home. As I was looking around I walked through the children’s section and I saw my ex and his wife. I wondered if they would notice me and they did. F has never spoken to me in public but she did in the dream, she came up and said hello. I could see she was nervous. Their child was there as well, sort of mucking about like young children do. I could see she was curious about what I had been up to and I told them about the trip to
When I woke up I wondered if they did indeed have only the one child.
Day 4 Prover 5
Had two very strange dreams last night. Both in the early morning.
In the first I was in my parent’s cottage in
In the second dream I was driving in
After these two dreams I woke up feeling quite drained like I had been on an emotional roller coaster. The dreams stayed with me all day.
Had an unsettling dream last night. I dreamt that F from work was telling me that my writing was no good and I would never get another novel published. I woke up anxious and panicky. In real life I find F daunting and I am rather over awed by her. When she sees me at work she always comments on what I wear. She does it in a flattering way but it feels far from flattering. It is as if what I wear is the only thing worth commenting about me.
I had another vivid dream about a house. This time I was moving and trying to pack boxes but everything was just so much junk. I knew I wasn’t ready and the removal men were coming any minute. I woke up anxious and depressed. The house wasn’t one that I had ever lived in, it was dirty and small and I didn’t like it. I wanted to leave and go to a better place.
Last night I dreamt about my childhood home, 315 field end road, but it wasn’t like I remembered. The garden had been built on and the house had been modernised in an unpleasant way. In the dream I had gone back out of curiosity but I was disappointed. My mother used to keep the house spotless but now it was dingy and dirty. Another dream about a dirty house!
Last night I had another vivid dream. I was dreaming about the lads I used to be at school with. We were having some sort of reunion and I was curious to see how they had aged. They all looked older but basically they looked the same, and they were acting pretty much as they had done when they were in their twenties. I don’t see any of these people now, not because I don’t like them but because our lives are very different.
In the dream there was a plan to go to a restaurant and then on to a club. It felt very much like being twenty again, following a group of people, and doing what they want to do. I was aware that I don’t do late nights and I would be tired for work the next day, but I thought, it is only just this once. My sister was also there and F1 asked me how I was getting on with her, because when we were teenagers we didn’t get on, I said, we are very different but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Out of all of them I was pleased to see him the most. He was a boyfriend once and I don’t think I appreciated him enough. His brother F2, who used to be very handsome now looked the oldest and had turned into a bit of bore. Actually, he always was self absorbed but when I was younger I didn’t notice. F3 was there too and kept telling me I hadn’t changed and when I saw myself in a mirror, no I hadn’t. I still looked like I did twenty years ago. He was being flirty with me and promised to meet up with me later. I wasn’t sure because I was worried what P would think. In the end I decided there was nothing wrong with having dinner.
The feeling in the dream was of excitement. We were all talking at the same time and making and changing plans. I definitely don’t have that sort of social life now and when I woke up I felt sad that my life has become so stable and boring and when I do go to social functions I don’t feel like talking to anybody. In the dream I was quite the star.
Another vivid dream last night. It was a beautiful sunny day, very much like the ones we are having this week, and I was by the sea. I was watching aeroplanes make trails across the sky. The planes were high up and, to me, looked silver. I realised that two planes were getting very close, one behind the other. Initially I thought this wasn’t going to be a problem as one plane was probably much higher than the other one, but as I watched them they smashed into each other. The noise sounded far away and there was a plume of white smoke. It was like an enormous firework and strangely beautiful. I stood on the beach and watched it all. I wondered if the people in the plane knew they were about to crash or whether it was a complete surprise, and if anybody has survived the impact. But nothing seemed to be left apart from smoke.
I then started to get worried about the bits falling back to earth, although it all was miles away, and not directly above me. I started to run off the beach and I was shouting, “Two planes have just crashed” but there was nobody there to hear me.
Then I woke up. My first thought was, I’m glad that didn’t really happen and was only a dream, but I was still worried about it for some time afterwards and couldn’t get back to sleep easily. This was all in the early morning, about 5am.
Day 5 Prover 8
Last night I had a strange dream where I found out that someone else was putting on “The Shape of Things” (my play) a week or two before me and I got so annoyed and disappointed I gave up and cancelled the performance.
Day 12 Prover 8
Had a dream that P robbed a bank and I saw him coming up the road towards me just after. We went to get fish and chips, he was on my right and a girl on my left recognised him as the bank robber. She started to call the police and I had to decide whether to distract him so she could ring them or warn him so he could get away. I distracted him even though I felt mean –he committed a crime and I thought he should face the consequences.
Day 21 Prover 8
Had 2 bad dreams in succession last night. The first one P, J***, N**, K** etc all turned on me + ran me out of town.
The second I and a load of other people (can’t remember who-not sure if I knew them) were caught and tortured by some kind of sadist witch! I watched other people pick up things that then ate through their hands, have things stuck in their eyes etc. Nothing happened to me directly but as the dream progressed I got an increasingly uncomfortable feeling of anticipation as the things were getting worse with each new one. I realised I was being saved until last + decided “bugger it I don’t want to know what happens to me” and I woke up. It was all rather odd.
Day 2 Prover 1
Dreamt I was back home- in the house I grew up in and some bald headed giant/ogre was trying to capture me and kill me. I ran into my parent’s bedroom and opened the widow a foot or so. (only me and this giant were there) then I ran into my old room and opened that window. I climbed out and slid down the wall into the front garden. Without looking back I ran down the path, opened the gate and ran onto the road. It has been a running theme in my dreams ever since I was a kid that if ever I was in trouble I could always fly. I seem to remember that I have this ability when things get overly-traumatic in the dream. And so, remembering this talent I ran down the road, jumped and glided up, up, up. As I glided up I realised that I was flying into the wind, so I turned around to fly with it, back over the rooftop of my old house. It was night time, say and no one else was around.
I was sat, riding a double-decker bus, when the bus hit a large rock. The bus tilted over and then fully turned….we rolled down this green hill in the double-decker, landing in a lake. I was afraid I was going to die by not being able to escape. Luckily, I could swim out the window and up to the surface to breathe.
I had just started a new job at a hotel. There were four members of staff there who wanted to sexually exploit me. I think they were all guys.
I ordered a Guinness and a herbal tea and left the hotel to escape. I ran out of the hotel and down the road. Next thing I knew I was being chased. I turned around and killed one of them. Then ran on. They got into (the remaining 3) a blacked out 4X4 and chased me.
I stopped and turned to face them. Reached in through the passenger window, grabbed a guys arm and punched it through the front windscreen. Then I put my arm through the windscreen, grabbed his wrist and slammed it down over some stuck up glass. The glass went all the way through his arm, severing his arteries and impaling him there.
Blood spewed out and he died from profuse blood loss.
Next thing I know I’m fighting another of them. I grab him by his ankles and swing him around. His head hits about 7 of those black pillars you see which prevent vehicles driving onto public high streets. I felt the force as his head hit each one, knocking it back on his neck. Blood came out with each hit and there were pools of it. Just to make sure he’d die, I snap all the fingers on one of his hands back and then crack his wrist back onto itself.
Here I wake up.
Amazing dreams! I dreamt that I was starting a new job- and it turned out I was told it was working with prisoners. (This was my last job and I absolutely hated it.)
So I get very nervous. Next thing I know, I’m backed into a toilet cubicle fighting off this guy who is trying to slash me. He is holding long daggers in each hand. Says it is getting me back for what I did to him-and shows me a hand with a finger chopped off. He does manage to slash me across my finger. It doesn’t come off but blood runs down my hand.
Then there is something about walking along my old school grounds.
But the best bit is here: Next thing I am with Tori Amos and we’re running away from a squadron of people trying to get us. She is my girlfriend! (And in real life she is so the perfect woman for me.) As we pause briefly, I find out that she’s cheated o me with two other men- but I forgive her as she declares her love for me and I know we’re meant to be.
Then some guy mounted on a horse tries to attack us. I launch spear into his belly and Tori and I run off together. I have a knife in my hand for protection.
Bizarre dream…I dreamt that Simon Buxton (co-founder of the Sacred Trust- The UK’s shamanic body) gave me a beehive. I started fixing it. There were bees in it. Next thing I know, I’m locked in my room with a group of other people for about a week. When we get out, I walk into my Grandad’s room where there is a headless, dead body on the bed. (not my Grandad!)
There are bees all over him. Swarming in them. Oh, I forgot to say, before I was locked up, Simon had killed my queen bee. And there, on this body was a new queen bee. The message was that you can try to kill it, but the hive will always re-generate. And after a week, a new queen bee had formed.
Dreamt I was living in a disused church. I wanted this girl, she may have been a girlfriend but she was imaginary/fictional, to take me into her house so I would be safe psychically and in better surroundings. She said that hiding in a disused church, I would be safe from psychic attack, especially with the frankincense burning outside.
Day 2 Prover 6
Really weird dream. I was a teenage boy with a very young (maybe 7 or 8 yr old) sister. We were trapped in a house owned by a middle-aged paedophile. We were trying to escape or at least hide before he saw us-I think we were lured in by an accomplice. I saw his Jeep pull in the driveway (this was in the States) and tried desperately to hide. My little sister couldn’t hide without me so there was really nowhere to go. After a few failed attempts I just said f*** it, and went to confront him. I learned he had dozens of kids (mostly boys) that worked and played almost like a camp. He never touched any of them, but he made them sleep naked, way too many on each bed and without blankets. He had hidden cameras and would video and take pictures of them while they slept and fondled himself. A few of the boys seemed to know about it but felt helpless to do anything. The guy really didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. I was a bit too old for his fetish so I think he was trying to entice me to be his accomplice. I was trying to convince him to get help.
Day 10 prover 9
Wake from amazing dreams. Mainly I’m walking at night. I see two people robbing a DIY emporium. They see me and stop for a hat and a rollie. I meet an amazing cat who starts to follow me. I see it run ahead where there is a much bigger cat. My cat who is grey fights it and wins. It was very vicious to that other cat but as soon as I approach it becomes visibly more fluffy and nice. Its fur turns lighter and it has a smile on its face. I ruffle its hair and it becomes a child who I adopt as a son.
Day 21 Prover 9
Awake from a dream. I walk backwards talking to a friend who is walking forwards in an abandoned warehouse. I turn and am outside in a place where big earthmovers have been at work, there is a rave with loads of white rudeboys dressed head to toe in white. I walk through them and see lots of black men I black suits, a friend of mine walks into the middle of them and is pushed back. Later in the dream I am back in my old house with my parents. S** and his brother are there making themselves comfortable. My father doesn’t like them because of the way they are dressed. My Dad is in a dressing gown.
Day 2 prover 3
Had some sort of dream about being in a Spanish villa -on holiday?
I don’t really remember my dreams but I have an image that remains of being in a bus station (or on a bus) with my Mum and offering her a polo mint.
The dream I had last night had my mum in it again, and 2 of my ex boyfriends (one of whom, F2 had been my best friend for 10 years). I was involved with F, but F2 was trying to win me over with expensive gifts (in the dream he was very wealthy unlike in real life) and I felt obliged somehow to be with him because of it. I felt torn as I had feelings for both men. My mum then told me that I could return the gifts, that I didn’t have to accept them, but I felt it was my duty now and that it was difficult to return them as I didn’t want to upset F2 (my best friend as well as potential partner).
I felt torn and upset like I was mourning the end of my relationship with F.
I was at a dance/ball. I wandered around and bumped into myself leaving for a lower level. I’d just had a baby.
Other scene of cutting up some knitting to make a picture.
I was reading P’s proving journal it was the only way I can find out what he’s thinking and feeling.
Had a horrible dream. Was in a hotel and my partner was a murderer. LSD was involved somehow and the dream was anxious and fearful-I was trapped with a murderer.
I dreamed about an old friend of mine who used to fancy me. In the dream there were 2 of him and he was attracted to himself. One of them was younger (was he a puppet? Can’t quite remember)
I dreamt I was in a rehab centre with a female friend of mine. There was a male project worker was I was attracted to that tried to kiss my friend + I was jealous. My room covered in graffiti. I told worker I needed to decorate it and “I was put here because I couldn’t take care of myself and this environment needs to be more restful”
Day 9 Prover 4
I’m at work. We are getting a new engineer on the team. I know the guy, a good engineer who insists on doing the job properly. He is joking with someone else, “That will all be sorted out now he’s on the team”. OK granted I’d take him on the team over some of the losers I’ve had to put up with, but he’s not actually the right person as his skill set doesn’t fit the project. I then get stuck in a cycle of saying that he’s not really the right person, but it doesn’t seem to change anything. I can’t change this sequence of events. Lucid dreaming is normally very easy for me.
I’m trying to fold something up. It’s a pair of flyers or leaflets or something like that. It’s more of some sort of colourful card like a cereal packet. It doesn’t matter what I do I can’t quite seem to get it folded properly. There always seems to be an extra bit or I can’t see it all to fold it up. I’m battling this f****** thing for ages……..I don’t get it!
Day 24 Prover 10
Dreamt of P’s ex-partner. Going to beat her up. She is very big and feisty. Physically angry in dreams. Being empowered.
Lost front tooth. Copious blood shooting everywhere. Couldn’t get to hospital. Very upset, crying + cross, distraught. The blood and couldn’t do what I needed to do to keep it safe. Losing control over what was happening.
Day 2 Prover 3
Time feels stretched out today- I seem to be wandering round in a bit of a daze and forgetting what I’m doing and thinking a lot of time has passed, but then I find out only 20 minutes have passed. I usually have a very good grip/grasp of time, so I feel a bit disorientated. I guess I feel a bit like I’m stoned, not necessarily a bad thing! Time seems to definitely be running strangely-even the TV thinks it’s an hour later. I was and the display on Sky said .
I feel stoned, but also as if I’ve taken an amphetamine as my mind or consciousness seems to be working too fast for my body or for time.
Day 11 prover 3
Good mood shattered by arrival of P’s parents-they rang to say they were coming only about 2 minutes before they arrived. Her first words as P opened the door were “I’m coming in-I’m not being turned away this time”. Those were the first things I heard as I was still in bed. They bought an easter egg for C they know we don’t want C to have sweets + sugary crap for as long as we can. She and I had an argument. She feels that she doesn’t see C enough and blames me for that and also for not welcoming her into my home. I feel she doesn’t respect my boundaries. How dare she turn up at on a bank holiday (our holiday!) and have a go at me in my own house in front of my child?!! She brought up old niggles/quarrels (bloody scorpio) and I finally told her she showed me (and P) a fundamental lack of respect.
I enjoyed watching her play with some other children. She’s growing up so fast, every day takes her a step further away from me. She’s really working on her independence now and also testing boundaries. It’s challenging but rewarding.
Day 13 Prover 1
She’s very earthy. Capricorn. I love it. Maybe I just have problems in drawing boundaries with girlfriends and that I may well be attracted to parts of them, but that doesn’t constitute a relationship. But I never wanted a relationship anyway!
Killing dying death evil fighting
Day 13 Prover 8
I’m still lacking excitement about
Day 18 Prover 8
The idea of going back to serving coffee in the dark hole of C****** kills me quite a lot inside each time I think about it. I don’t know what to do about it but something must be done-it can’t go back to how it was before I came- I get depressed just thinking about it!
Day 11 prover 9
Feeling buzzy and friendly. So much so, in terms of friendly I feel I could befriend Satan himself and stop him being such an evil beast to go skip in the meadows to pick flowers, if I wanted to.
Day 27 Prover 9
Come home, watch Kung Fu hustle after healthy organic food and talk till early morning.
Day 9 Prover 3
Had a really bad night-tossed + turned all night, fighting the covers. (felt too hot and the duvet was annoying me)
My excitement over our first booking took a real battering. When I had the call from the client about the leak my first instinct was to blame P but I quickly realised that wouldn’t solve the problem and so could mention it to him but not get angry about it. I felt we could move away from our usual pattern of “battering each other with the problem” and move towards a solution.
Day 2 Prover 4
Still feeling a bit woolly but fighting it.
Day 11 Prover 4
My parents turn up on the doorstep without any advance notice-the missed call on my mobile five minutes before doesn’t count.
P and my mum kick off & my folks leave shortly after. I’m all in support of P’s point of view but I’m sick of being in the crossfire between these two, seems like everyone is shooting at me sometimes, I can’t take it any more – just sit there and let them get on with it. Big argument with P afterwards. F****** brilliant start to Easter.
Rush out to get the veg shopping before heading up to
Day 12 Prover 1
I settled it that I’d stay til 11 but meet up tomorrow after Kung Fu. As I drank more… I cared less….oh dear! I wrestle with TRUTH- what is it? I am fascinated and plagued at the same time by how simple decisions like these can change your life….albeit in a small way. I must have imagined and played out both scenarios of: going home and staying at F****** some 30-40 times over.
The rest of the day I feel extremely depressed and think about suicide. Not that I’d actually do it, I just think about how it’d impact people. I sleep part of the day away, just so as I don’t have to be ‘present’.
The trip to
All day I felt cold and hungry. Probably a good state to visit
On Tuesday night I went out with a friend and we bitched all about the people we didn’t like at work and elsewhere. It actually felt good to be so spiteful. She is a lot more shameless about disliking people than I am. I usually try and find something positive about most people. She loves and hates with a vengeance.
Day 6 Prover 6
God I realize now how much I hate writing. It brings thoughts concretely in the material plane. I’m learning just how uncomfortable I am with concrete. I love thoughts and the abstract. Spirits, paranormal and supernatural ideas and realities. It’s the material world I’m still new to.
Day 9 Prover 8
Is it going to work with me and P and the distance or is it going to slowly collapse like scaffolding built on a bog?
Day 7 Prover 6
I want a better body. I’m sick of being shapeless! I want more and better definition. Funny how I’m starting with my physical body. I truly believe that’s what I want for my spiritual and emotional bodies as well.
Lack of Self control/lack of Motivation
Day 5 Prover 5
I feel like I am eating too many sweet things like cakes and biscuits.
During the course of this remedy I am aware I have been eating things that are not good for me like bread and cheese. In
Day 9 prover 8
In fact my self-control in general has been rather shoddy. I’ve been smoking more, eating more sugar and fatty crap missing cancelling more work and just generally losing interest in what’s happening around me. I’m so stuck worrying about the future I’m having trouble focusing in the present and I’m struggling to break the cycle.
Day 1 Prover 3
I feel a bit spaces out, like I can’t be bothered with anything that I normally find important, like C’s bedtime routine which went off course this evening.
Very unmotivated to do any yoga or sit ups or anything, or even ring my supervisor. I’ll call her tomorrow.
I’d made a decision not to have wheat or chocolate this weekend + F turns up with both! A lovely gesture but now I feel a bit sabotaged. Of course I had loads and now feel bloated and gluttonas.
Day 12 prover 3
Are loads of Easter Egg chocolate to the point that I felt sick!
I wet to yoga for the 1st time for a few weeks (course had finished and started again today). I have been lazy and not done any practice at home.
Day 2 Prover 4
Am. Want munchies; cakes, choc etc. Forgot it was my appraisal today fortunately someone reminded me before it was too late. Went rather well!
Been running behind with my journal, am rather apathetic about it all. When can I finish writing all this stuff up?
Home early, finding it difficult to be motivated to sort dinner out.
Only writing journal up every couple of days at best. Finding it difficult to be bothered to do it.
Eaten too much cake
Falling behind with the journal. Don’t feel very motivated to get it done. Don’t have the time.
Day 8 Prover 6
A well of sadness keeps threatening to flood the great joy I’ve started to grow accustomed to.
Day 10 prover 8
I’m managing prolonged periods of optimism about the whole thing but I then get mugged by sad and I just can’t seem to shake it off.
Day 23 Prover 1
Really low day today. Very depressed. I do some gardening as that always cheers me up. Feeling exhausted emotionally and painstakingly futile. Fed up. Despair. Depressed. How much longer/when will this ‘stage’ of my life end? Don’t go out anywhere the entire day. Vegetate for hours in front of PC. Spoke about my despair to P which helped. She was a welcome listening and compassionate ear.
Day 5 Prover 8
My car battery was dead when I got back as I’d left my lights on all day. I then got really angry at the fact that I couldn’t get hold of P and in short it all ended in tears.
Day 13 Prover 8
I’m feeling really low energy and pessimistic at the moment, quite irritable too, compared to usual. Highly strung maybe.
Day 13 Prover 9
Go to work. Last week the holy place called the white spring was desecrated, so today I cleared it up for the 5 days I was away. I cleared it all up. The people who did it left human shit in the fairie portal (my little project). I cleared it up, redid the display (wood, bark, stones, rocks, branches and other things) lit loads of candles that were tall then lit up the other shrine and played my tin whistle.
Day 2 Prover 1
Worked in the shop today and received some bad news. J*** my best friend, has been in a car accident. Hit from behind whilst waiting on a slip road to enter the M4. I was completely shocked. My world was shaken. If anything happens to that guy my world will fall apart. My initial text said that he’d cracked some ribs, fractured a jaw and needed reconstructive surgery on his nose. As I walked downstairs and told the manager and owner, I couldn’t hold it in and started crying. The manager gave me some ‘first aid’ flower essence and that seemed to make me feel all nice and tingly in my head but I didn’t want to feel nice. Every time I thought and or spoke about it I cried.
Day 3 Prover 1
One thing I did notice earlier, whilst with J*** and T*** was the defensive-protective mentality of the people drinking in the bar. Men literally wear suits of armour. People clutch desperately to pint glasses, held firmly in place over the solar plexus. Some cannot open up to a direct exchange of energy and orient themselves side-on, whilst others hold securely onto bars, tables and chairs with one hand. In fact, as I was walking (wading) my way to the bar, one guy coming the other way said ‘Oh, excuse me’ and put his arm on my elbow, kind of holding me out of the way. I mean, Get your hand off me!
Day 10 prover 1
Seems to me like the recurring dream theme is escape. Escape from people either trying to kill me or sexually exploit me. It’s not unusual for me to have graphic dreams of murder + sex, but never this frequently. The feeling of these dreams has been violation…..of me. Or an attempt to violate me.
Day 9 Prover 3
Been dreading the visit to the dentist (I have to have a filling). This appointment was horrible. I had a filling done and I feel traumatised. A combination of bad bedside manner (not telling me what he was doing or about to do) and the rubber stretched over my mouth and the feeling of powerlessness made my heart race and made me really angry.
Had a go at a guy who was walking his dog after the dentist appointment. The guy let his dog shit on a field and didn’t pick it up. He didn’t seem to see a problem. I was incensed- I find people’s lack of respect of public space disgusting. I vented my anger about the dentist on the dogwalker didn’t make me feel any better really. I find it difficult to let go of my anger.
Day 9 Prover 4
Gone over the field to lock up the geese. Some bloke is letting his dog shit in the field. When P tries to challenge him he tries to brush her off because she is angry. When I get there it changes, I’m bigger, younger & have a stronger presence than him & I explain that what he is doing is disrespectful to the person who owns the field.
Day 11 Prover 1
I was absolutely spinning out this morning. Anxious. Feeling guilty about not going outside, staying in my room but too afraid to go outside at the same time. Vicious circle.
Day 1 Prover 5
My skin feels hot. I also feel tired and lazy.I know have a headache and my nose feels blocked.
I also feel thirsty more than hungry. I don’t feel hungry at all and then all of sudden I am starving.
I have to say I have been feeling hot ever since I took the remedy. A dry sort of hot rather than sweaty.
I am getting hot very easily and I don’t like it. I am also getting tired quickly. I had to have a rest in the afternoon before we went out again in the evening.
I am still feeling hot and I keep thinking I smell stale. I want to keep having baths. I don’t like the way I smell at the moment. I am also aware of other smells and I think the house smells like old socks and P smells like old fags.
Day 11 Prover 8
I finally got to work 10 minutes late and for some reason developed the runs!
Day 12 Prover 8
I still have the runs although now it comes with a sore throat and headache too.
Day 13 Prover 8
A weird thing happened last night. I wanted to have sex one last time before I go + he goes but having initiated I just couldn’t get in the mood! Usually I have no problem with lubrication at all and if I do it doesn’t last long and/or I can sort it out easily. Last night though it just wasn’t happening, which made P despondent, which made me convinced he was bored + would rather be asleep. It was a bit strange + even though we managed it in the end it wasn’t really what I’d wanted our last night living together to be like!
Plus my period which started at the end of last week + was usually quick and light, finishing about Wed/Thur made an unexpected re-appearance during the day yesterday. I just don’t know what’s going on with my body at the moment. I do know I need some water ASAP though. I think the runs is making me dehydrated + that’s why I keep getting this headache.
Day 14 Prover 8
My periods still annoyingly hanging on-its not really even worth calling a period, its just slightly bloody every now and again. I can’t be bothered to worry about it really; it’s irritating but there is nothing I can do right now. I’ve also got a bit of a runny nose/blocked nose + sore throat.
Day 15 Prover 8
My “period” seems to have gone which is good although my voice seems to be going with it which isn’t.
Day 17 Prover 8
I have break through bleeding again and I had the runs again also but I took some Imodium and it seems to be under control.
Day 22 Prover 9
Go to work in the library, talk with druid friend. Get a little ill feeling in my stomach. Go to dream group and close early because no-one came but see R going to it on my way out. We walk to the spring, then to Wirral to see the moors at sunset. I leave with my stomach hurting. I spend the night being sick. Towards the end spewing thick ropey mucus and purging at the other end something horrible as well.
Day 26 Prover 9
Get home. Illness starts again, a horrid diarrhoea that wakes me throughout the night.
Day 1 Prover 3
My feel felt really hot by the time I got home!
I had an intense ‘attack’ of cold after putting C to bed. My body went rigid and was shivering solidly + uncontrollably. I found it hard to get warm.
Have quite a lot of wind this evening, but that could be down to the stewed cooking apples I had this evening. Stinky!
I woke up to a tight feeling around my throat, like I was being choked by a collar of phlegm. I tried to cough it away, but it felt like it wouldn’t budge and was in fact getting tighter. I had hoped that this cold wasn’t going to ‘hit’ me, but I think it has now.
My throat is feeling itchy + raw and my left sinus is blocked.
I’m feeling bloated and constipated I get the urge to go, but then it’s not enough when I do.
Woke up to feeling a bit crampy-my period had started. Unusual for me in that my period normally starts slowly and it’s generally only on the 2nd day that the flow becomes significant. Still bloated, though no longer constipated. I’m fairly windy.
My bowels seem to have turned to liquid! I’ve gone from one extreme to the other, much like this remedy
I still have my period but I keep forgetting about it very unusual for me. Since taking the remedy I feel more ‘normal’ and able to get on with my life. This time I came on suddenly in bed in the morning-period announced itself with a small cramp and I felt wet.
I have bad wind this evening. Smells rancid!
Day 8 Prover 4
No Dreams. Still not sleeping well but feeling oddly rested/energised.
Going to osteopath this afternoon. Turns out I’ve popped a rib at the back (rib 11 to be precise) which is why I’ve been suffering. So this is what straight feels like!
After Proving Prover 6
I feel as if I’ve been building a new emotional body. Or at least sitting in the old one while shedding the old one. Not been pretty. Also noticed a physical difference. I spent a day and half staying in a house with two cats and only sniffed twice. Allergies are receding! Had some ‘incidental’ butter in something and had no stomach issues. Same deal with sugar and white flour. Hmm.
P and I had a long discussion about his mum and what to say to her We both agreed that it would be best to talk to her while still under the influence of this remedy as we’ve found that we’ve been more able to talk and discuss things rationally rather than argue and react to each other in an aggressive way. I feel that this remedy’s made me more tolerant and I’m not sure I’ll anti-dote it. P and I are much nicer people at the moment! I don’t like the muzzy head feeling though.
On a couple of occasions in the evening I felt like I had a lump in my throat, like a ball. Swallowing made no difference
In the evenings I often had the sensation of whole body shivering like I was vibrating. A similar sensation to shivering because of the cold
On the last Friday of the proving I remember thinking that “the remedy is leaving me” and I didn’t like it. I could feel the calmness ebbing away and I didn’t want to lose the insights that I’ve gained or the way that P and I have been together recently.
Prover 4’s last thoughts.
Feels like the remedy is having a last ditch attempt at f****** everything up for us. Pulled a washing machine apart to use the drum as a fire basket for festivals-very therapeutic!
Prover 5’s last thoughts
I am glad to finish this remedy. For an overview, I have felt hot and irritable. I have been restless and unfocused. I have not particularly enjoyed the company of other people indoors but have felt more sociable outside. I have had vivid dreams about houses and water. I have felt most peaceful being outside in gardens and nature. I have also felt better when swimming or near water. There have been plenty of external events interrupting daily life and plenty of unexpected incidents. There have also been accidents and a sudden death. I have neither liked being too hot or too cold. I have also been waking early in the morning before 6am and have liked listening to the dawn chorus.
I have eaten too many carbohydrates and too much sugar and possibly drunk too much coffee.
Been really angry, out of control. Things going wrong. Disasters. Didn’t like the remedy it felt very negative. Mabel is a very lovely woman but it was hard to communicate with her, didn’t think she was interested or listening. Easier not to care. I was a miffed young woman. Frustrated. The dishwasher broke. Petty things, cars, everything. Tenacious. I wanted to take the anti-dote but Mabel persuaded me out of it.
‘How did you feel?’: Not being me, being quite angry, negative, self destructive. Petty problems. Usually I can cope with things. The school is shit, none of that any different, burst into tears, nothing beyond breaking down, big issue. Couldn’t communicate with Mabel. Felt like she wasn’t treating me as an individual, quite angry that she said I was fine, she hasn’t contacted me for a week. I was at fault, telling, exaggerating, changing story, put the onus on me. Feel OK about taking responsibility, overstepping boundaries of normal communication, etiquette overstepped, like I was losing face.
Usual boundaries are I think before I explode, solid grounded boundries, losing expected behaviour, my expected accepted behaviour, severely challenged. Usual boundries were not in the eplace they usually are, expected behaviour.
I had a dream about a house, the walls were decorated, water was running down the walls.
Shaking me up
Feel on edge and snappy
I think I may explode
Car battery was dead
Usual massacre of a time of the month
Until I can’t take anymore and snap
I don’t want to set myself up for an obvious fall
And now I don’t know if this new resentment towards him and us is my logical mind tearing its hair out + winning over my heart or if it’s the remedy or what!
I’m still lacking excitement about
I really want to take the antidote when I get home-figure out how much of this confusion + helpless feeling is me + how much is it.
The idea of going back to serving coffee in the dark hole of Chandos kills me quite a lot inside each time I think about it.